I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
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The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I have two kinds of followers
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Storm Tropical Storm
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Anyone really
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person