How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
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*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
True?
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is