Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
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My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
#SCOTUS one-star review
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.