[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
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What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.