Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
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I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Ain’t no way