If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
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Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Fights fire with marshmallows
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
(Musicians.)
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.