Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
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“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
This cat wants you to take your pills
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.