I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
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Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”