My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
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CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
🤭😂
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”