Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
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people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
excuse me
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house