the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
You Might Also Like
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.