I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
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I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.