My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
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the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.