the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
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You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
giddy up Office Depot
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.