Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
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Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
#Caturday
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Buck naked
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.