Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
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#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week