No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
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ME: Oh no.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Eggs benadryl my favourite