Otters drive ottermobiles.
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Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Me sliding into hell like
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”