me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
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You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
You learn something every day
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.