Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
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This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!