Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
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me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.