me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
You Might Also Like
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy