7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
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If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
What kind of a cult is this?
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm