Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
You Might Also Like
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.