Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
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Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy