My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
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I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
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What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
the dark web is just a goth google.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”