My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
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so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I need a headline like this
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
that’s really how it is
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.