I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
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007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
🤣
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.