My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
You Might Also Like
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.