The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
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My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
incredible book dedication
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Good point.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
It’s a gift
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?