This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
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Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.