Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
You Might Also Like
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Social distancing in Australia:
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?