“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
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My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful