Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
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Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.