I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
You Might Also Like
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Sniffing the broccoli
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
kevin is now a local weatherman
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.