Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
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I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms