Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
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Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys