As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
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Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?