My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
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Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Sticker placement is key.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day