Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
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If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
mathematically impossible
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast