I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
You Might Also Like
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?