I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
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“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.