I think we should hear other voices.
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replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
men are simple creatures
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
He wanted to make sure😂
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.