1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
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Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.