*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
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[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Blew my mind.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.