If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
You Might Also Like
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
men, we mow at sunrise.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”