Your proctologist called. He found your head.
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[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?