People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
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“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Barbie gone wild
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.