“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
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[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.