If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
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Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.